Cock & Cunt Play Today (Script)

2009

Characters:
CUNT – effeminate and slightly insecure, American accent
COCK – gentle yet masculine, posh British accent
CERVIX – domineering and assertive (kind of a bitch), American accent
SPERM – dim-witted and physical, Cowboy/George W. Bush accent

CUNT is downstage left washing a pile of dirty dishes. COCK is upstage right with back to the audience. CERVIX and SPERM are hidden behind CUNT and COCK.

CUNT (washing dishes): Will you help me do the dishes please?

COCK: Sure no problem.

CUNT (confused, pauses): Wow, that’s not the answer I expected.

COCK: What are you on about honey? I always help with the dishes!

CUNT (confused): I guess a lot has changed since 1971, huh?

COCK: It sure has darling! Didn’t you notice right from the start that I’ve changed?

CUNT (still washing dishes): What do you mean?

COCK: I’m much bigger than I used to be for starters.

CUNT (sultry): Oh, yes.

COCK: And I can keep this erection going for hours.

CUNT (getting aroused): Really?

COCK: Thanks to those pills and pumps I bought over the internet.

CUNT: Oh my! Now that you’ve pointed it out – I can see you have changed. It looks like you’ve got less hair too

COCK: You noticed, I did do a little manscaping.

CUNT: Now I feel as if I’ve let myself go. Do you think I need a trim?
(fingers her wig nervously)

COCK: No, you’re fine, I wish my hair was as nice and silky as yours.

CUNT: I’ve always felt a little self-conscious about my inner labia, do you think I should get it rejuvenated?

COCK: I think you’re perfect honey.

CUNT: Oh, you’re so sweet.

COCK (moving in closer to CUNT): You’re the sweet one.

CUNT (approaching COCK): All this talk about you doing the dishes is getting me a little excited.

COCK (moving towards her): Really?

CUNT (more forcefully and seductively): I want to feel you inside me.

COCK penetrates CUNT.

CERVIX makes herself visible.

COCK: What the hell’s that?

CUNT: Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you two had met. This is my cervix.

CERVIX (waves): Hi! Nice to meet you again.

COCK (half smile): Nice to meet you too. Have we met before? You do look familiar.

CERVIX: Yes, we have, but not quite so formally. You’re usually coming in my eye.

COCK (perplexed): Pardon?

CERVIX: I’m based at the back of her vaginal canal, I’m the opening of the womb.

COCK: Oh I see. Strange, it’s almost like looking in a mirror.

CUNT is looking a little bored/annoyed at the disruption.

CERVIX: Don’t mind me, please continue

CUNT and COCK continue to go at it.

COCK (suddenly overcome, grunts with pleasure) mmm…

SPERM (jumps up between COCK and CUNT): Yeehaw!

COCK: What’s that? Who are you?

CUNT and CERVIX are bemused.

SPERM: I’m your sperm. Howdy partner!

COCK(embarrassed): Aren’t you a tad early?

SPERM: Nope, I’m always right on time!

CUNT: Could you finish me off honey?

COCK (Starts to rub CUNT’s face in a circular movement): Sure.

CUNT: mmmm…

SPERM: What ya doin’ that for man?

COCK (rubs her face and tries to keep thrusting): I’m stimulating her, giving her pleasure, so she can come too.

SPERM: That wasn’t in any of the tactical simulations. (pause)
Make her come? I don’t understand?

COCK: To tell you the truth neither do I…

CUNT: A little to the left…uh..huh

CERVIX: He has to keep pleasuring her so that her cervix can serve its special function.

CUNT (in a pleasure haze, but trying to pay attention to CERVIX): Oh… what?

COCK: Does that feel good?

CUNT: That’s great, don’t stop…

SPERM: Don’t worry, you don’t need to bother, I’m equip with fighter sperm, in case she’s been unfaithful.

COCK (Looking back and forth – unsure who to pay attention to)
(to SPERM) Fighter sperm?

CUNT (looks offended and annoyed): He’s distracting me honey.

COCK (to CUNT): Sorry, am I in the right spot?

CUNT (adamantly, grabbing his hand): Yeah, just keep going…

SPERM (dancing around the room, throwing punches in the air):
I got a long line of strong sperm set out for chemical warfare on any foreign sperm that might be hiding up there, while the rest seek out the egg. Don’t worry, we’ll smoke ‘em out!

COCK (getting agitated with SPERM): Smoke who out!? Look there hasn’t been anyone else around – at ease soldier! (kind of amused by his own wit)

CUNT (annoyed): Honey!?

COCK: Sorry, darling. (starts rubbing CUNT’s face in earnest again)

SPERM (running around wildly despite COCK’s orders): Are you sure you trust her?

CUNT (angry): Bastard!

COCK (annoyed, to SPERM): I think I saw a foreign body over there. (points towards the audience) I think they’re playing cricket.

SPERM (Looks around): Where? (spots the audience) Holy smokes! I better send in for back up. (runs around dizzily back and forth around audience)

CERVIX (taking control): If you two would just relax… Clear your mind and breathe in and out.

COCK & CUNT nod and breathe deeply.

SPERM continues to pretend to fight the audience and every once in a while interjects fight noises at opportune moments.

CERVIX (bossy, to COCK & CUNT): Alright Cock and Cunt, I’d like to see you to in a lotus position.

COCK & CUNT are befuddled and slow to move.

CERVIX (annoyed): Sometime today.

COCK & CUNT sit in lotus position facing each other, CUNT tries to put COCK’s hand on her face.

CERVIX: Lovemaking is the most joyous experience in the world. We have to breathe deeply and relax. Breathing is an intrinsic part of the sexual experience.

COCK & CUNT (exhale deeply): Mmm hmm…

CERVIX (begins to do the dishes, speaks her line quickly in one breath): I, the cervix, have a special purpose, and I’m not just referring to the fact that at the point of orgasm, when the vagina contracts, I swoop down and allow the sperm to enter the womb, assuming that the man has come to orgasm first, and that there was a man making love to me, which as we know is not always the case. But I am not here for reproductive purposes alone – I am here to demystify the female body…

COCK (his arm is getting tired from stimulating CUNT): Is that possible?

CERVIX: Indeed, the female body will always be a very great mystery, no matter how many you see or how much knowledge you achieve. You can never demystify a cervix.

CUNT: Ooh, oh!

CERVIX: Orgasms are like grains of sand; no two are exactly alike. Trust me, I’ve known a lot of cocks, I used to work for Annie Sprinkle.

CUNT: Faster!

CERVIX: Remember to breathe deeply Cock and Cunt. Breathing together can intensify feelings of peace, aliveness, and love. So everyone, can you please take a deep breath with me and concentrate on the pleasurable sensations in your body. In (breathes in, orchestrates audience and other performers) Hold for a couple of seconds and exhale. Ahhh, now don’t you feel more relaxed and in tune?

COCK: I think I’m ready for round two. (stands and helps CUNT to stand so her can penetrate her again)

CERVIX: Breathe in and out…and feel a sense of oneness with the universe…You have now taken one more step towards spectacular sex. (Finishes cleaning the dishes.)

COCK & CUNT (fiercely humping and rubbing): Yes, yes, yes! (full-body vibration)

Bleary-eyed and post-coital, COCK and CUNT notice that CERVIX has finished the washing up.

CUNT: What a great Cervix!

CERVIX: That’s cervix with a smile.1 (winks)

THE END.

_____________________

Notes

1. “Cervix with a smile” is borrowed from Annie Sprinkle.

 

© Oriana Fox 2009